Work Saved My Life

Work saved your life? Really? I am here to say it really did and I can share my story on how I reached that conclusion.

I battled leukemia in 2010 (original diagnosis) and 2011 (relapse and bone marrow transplant). Then, in 2015, leukemia returned in the form of a solid tumor in the brain—the size of an orange. I went through a long, 9-hour surgery to remove the tumor followed by several treatments of chemo and radiation to ensure all of the tumor was gone. My life was saved, but I was left physically, mentally, and emotionally weak. I slept most of the day and any physical activity (e.g., walking up 5 or 6 stairs) wiped me out.

The recovery was long and difficult. It took at least 3 months before I felt any energy to work. But I wanted to work. I had a drive to get back to work. But I knew I had limitations. I wondered if I could do my job as Chief Scientist at TiER1 Performance Solutions—a very brain intensive job. And I had a decision to make: Should I take long-term disability and forget about trying to work?

I struggled with that decision. I had a drive to get back to work, but I knew that I would not be able to just turn it back on and be at my former level of productivity and contribution. The easy choice was to just take the long-term disability and stay in bed, to rest. But this thought hit me: What would I do all day? I would not be creating value. I would not have a purpose. I would not be coaching and leading a team. I would not be learning. In my heart I could feel this thought: If you take long-term disability, you are probably not going to live. I don’t know where that came from, but it was the most present thought I had. And I knew it to be true. I couldn’t take long-term disability, even though that sounded like a gift. I had to find a way to get back to work. And so, I started on that path, working at a slow pace and building up to full-time over several months.

It is now 3 years later and I’ve seen the wonderful benefits of fighting to get back to work. There are some cognitive limitations (e.g., short-term memory loss) due to the surgery and radiation treatments, but I (and my wife) probably notice that the most. Those limitations may not be as obvious to others who don’t see me on a daily basis. And I’ve been able to “win” at work—leading a research team who continues to grow and do significant and meaningful work for the federal government.

I’ve had several follow-up appointments with my neurosurgeon over the past 3 years. During a recent appointment, he paused, looked at me with caring eyes, and said this: “Work saved your life.” I asked him what he meant by that. He explained to me that the damage to my brain from surgery and radiation is similar to the damage to a muscle. It needs to be exercised in order to heal and reconstruct new pathways. He told me that lying in bed—doing nothing, not thinking, having no purpose—would slowly starve my brain of the needed ingredients to heal. And then he said, “You likely would have died if you had made that choice.”

We know this. God designed humanity to work from the beginning. We work because our Creator works, and we’re made in his image, to reflect him. Genesis 2:15 tells us that “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Work is a gift from God, not a curse. I love what the Holman Bible Dictionary says about work: “God has infused the act of work with meaning and divine significance, enjoining upon humans an obligation to engage in work even as God works.” 

Ecclesiastes reinforces that work has genuine value. “So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God.” (Ecclesiastes 2:24, NLT). And probably the most recognized scripture on work is from Colossians: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” (Colossians 3:23-24, NIV). When we view our work as a gift from God and that our ultimate purpose is glorying Him in our work, we then find the most meaning in our work.

Meaningful work is really important. I’m glad I fought my way back. I’m grateful to be in a place where I can find meaningful work. It truly saved my life.

Amazed by His love,

Terence

Work and Rest

I’ve been on a 3-month sabbatical from work. It is the first time, outside of a hospital bed, that I have turned off work and focused on the four Rs of sabbatical: Rest, Recover, Reflect, and Refocus. I didn’t know how to rest. It’s not something you learn in school and you don’t see webinars advertising “Discover How to Rest.” So, one of the first things I did at the beginning of my sabbatical was to read a few books on Rest. I asked some friends and leaders who had been on a sabbatical to give their recommendations on books to read. One friend recommended a book titled, Buy a Cabin: The Theology and Practice of Rest. So, I ordered the book and it was the first one I read. I’m glad I did. And I found out that the author, Robert Franck, lived here in Colorado Springs. Through my friend, I reached out to Robert and we connected over a cup of coffee after I had already read the book. It was encouraging to put a face on this author who, from my perspective, nailed it in terms of describing the difference between work and rest.

Robert Franck begins his book by using the first occurrence of rest in the Bible – Genesis 2:2-3.

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. (Genesis 2:2-3, NIV)

Not only do these verses contain the first use of the word rest in the Bible, they also contain the first use of the word work. God worked and then he rested.

Franck defines work as “Activities that provide for your needs, your family’s needs, and the needs of others.” And he defines rest as “Activities that refresh you after your work.” Those definitions really helped me. I had a misconception about rest. The image is lying in a hammock and doing nothing. Now, that actually can be rest, but I discovered it is too narrow of a concept and certainly does not apply to everyone. Robert Franck brings in the example of Winston Churchill as one who knew how to rest well. Many regard Winston Churchill as one of the most productive workers in history and a great leader in a time of extreme stress in the World. One of the many books Churchill wrote is titled Painting as a Pastime. Churchill’s insight into rejuvenating rest is from his own words in this book:

Many remedies are suggested for the avoidance of worry and overstrain by persons who, over prolonged periods, have to bear exceptional responsibilities and discharge duties upon a very large scale. Some advise exercise, and others repose. Some counsel travel, and others, retreat. Some praise solitude, and other gaiety. No doubt all these may play their part according to individual temperament. But the element which is constant and common in all of them is Change. Change is the master key. 

Robert Franck describes Churchill’s daily routine consisting of three parts: writing in the morning, brick laying in the afternoon, and entertaining in the evening. Writing was his work—intensive brain work. As Franck explains in the book, to recover from the exertion of his work, Churchill required a change. The change for Churchill was mortaring bricks together—he mortared thousands of bricks into fences and retaining walls around his estate south of London. His brick rest did not distract from his word work and his brick rest provided the change that enabled his word work.

This change concept really transformed my thinking on rest. That is why exercise might be the appropriate form of rest for some and why repose (quietness/leisure) will be fitting for others, as Franck explains. For some, the newness and excitement of travel provides rest. For others, the calmness and quietness of retreat provides the needed rest. Read Franck’s book for more descriptions of Churchill’s pairs of opposites.

I took the concepts in Franck’s book and applied them the last three months. Knowing that my job as Chief Scientist at TiER1 is intensive “brain work”, I intentionally went after physical activities on our property in Colorado Springs, taking on home improvement projects and many outside tasks. And Debbie and I recently returned from a 2-week trip to Europe, where the change in scenery and routine provided the needed rest for us. I feel refreshed. It has allowed me to fully experience the four Rs of sabbatical.

If you want to dig into more of this concept of rest, I encourage you to pick up a copy of Frank’s book. You can find it on Amazon here

Amazed By His Love,

Terence

Trust God for the Outcome

At the beginning of the year I was listening to a podcast by John Eldredge called, “Give God Your Year.” You can listen to it here: https://www.ransomedheart.com/podcast/give-god-your-year. It’s about hearing what God’s “theme” is for your year. That kind of “listening prayer” can be done anytime, but it struck me that I had never been intentional in hearing God’s theme for me at the beginning of the year. I had never paused to ask what God had in mind for me for any given year. So, I took some intentional time in prayer to ask God about that, and to listen for specific themes/words. In a moment of just pausing, a moment of quietness, I felt the impression of these words: “Trust for the Outcome.” At first my reaction was something like—Really, that’s it? Just trust God for the outcome? And I felt the answer to those questions was, “Yes, just do your best, put it out there, and trust me.”

Feeling that this was a deep impression in my heart that I heard this from God, I decided to put those words on a note card and tape it to a shelf above my desk. I wanted a visual reminder of those words. Something right in front of me that would remind me of what I heard during the first week of January 2018. And so, I did. And that note card is still there today, reminding me of the theme for the year.

Even though the year is still not over, I have seen this theme come to life. It first came to light when Debbie and I received the news in late 2017 that our daughter and husband (Jennifer and Andrew) were pregnant with their third child. It was wonderful news—a miracle really—but also came with some risk. You see, earlier in 2017 Jennifer was diagnosed with a pituitary gland tumor and was told that more children would not be possible. Her pregnancy was considered high risk because of hormone issues with the pituitary gland. I could feel the heavy weight of worry on my part for Jennifer and Andrew, and the health of this new baby. So many unknowns and things that could go wrong. But I was quickly reminded of God’s theme for me at the beginning of the year, “Trust for the Outcome.” And that is what I did, feeling the confidence from God that everything was going to be ok. Just to rest in Him, and trust him for the outcome. And that trust led to a very healthy boy in August—William Scott Lee.

There was another part of my life where I felt challenged trusting God. It was in my own work as a research leader at the company I work for—TiER1 Performance Solutions. The research team at TiER1 puts together several proposals each year with the hope of winning funding from the federal government. The call for proposals comes out about 4 times a year. For each call, the team typically responds with 2-3 proposals. In February, our team saw 7 topics that we were interested in. That’s a big number for our small research team. It takes a lot of work just to put one proposal together. Multiply that by seven—it’s hundreds and hundreds of hours. And the competition is stiff. The average win rate for these research grants is one out of ten (10%). We all leaned into submitting for these seven different topics, knowing that we may only win one of these. Again, I felt my heart checked---just trust God for the outcome. I released my mind of anxiety and worry about these proposals and put them in God’s hands. The result: the team won five of the seven proposals! A 71% win rate! That’s unheard of with federal research grants. Every company applying for these grants is very good and the evaluation teams are very selective. In the process, I learned that I don’t need to try and control everything. I can hand over my dreams, ambitions, and worries to God and trust Him for the outcome. It’s not easy to do—I typically lean in the direction of trying to control everything myself and “make things happen.” But, I have found rest in giving the desire or worry to God and just trusting for the outcome.

  

Amazed by His Love,

Terence

This Will Be So Easy For Me To Do

I have only told this part of my story to a few people. I was originally diagnosed with Leukemia in February 2010 and spent 30 days in a hospital for treatment to eliminate these cancer cells from my blood. About two weeks into that hospital stay, I remember walking down to the end of the hallway where there was a window. Looking out that window, I started a conversation with God. That conversation was about the heaviness I felt about the disease I was fighting. I had lots of questions. How would my family deal with this? Would this be the end? Would I see my children get married and have grandchildren? Would I ever walk out of this hospital? I was seeking answers from the God who saved me as a young boy. I paused for a long time, waiting for an impression from God, for an answer. It wasn’t long before I heard these words: “This will be so easy for me to do.” Those words were not audible, but I could feel, deep in my soul, that God had delivered that answer to my very direct question—was I going to live through this? I’m not sure how much time went by before I decided to see if I could confirm God’s promise. I think it was just a few seconds and I don’t even know where this thought came from, but I wanted some assurance that God delivered those words to me, and not something I thought up. So, I answered back: “If this is going to be so easy for you to do, then let me walk out of this hospital with my hair—don’t let me lose my hair.” As most of us probably know or have seen, many people lose their hair from chemo treatment. Chemo is known to kill all rapidly dividing cells. Our hair follicles are highly active cells that frequently divide to produce growing hair. So, hair often becomes the unfortunate bystander that takes the fall along with the cancer cells. Hair loss, for many, is one of the most traumatic experiences of cancer. But, let’s be honest, it is likely more traumatic for women. It’s not that big of a deal to see a bald man. In fact, many men look great bald. And some men, for style, shave all their remaining hair off instead of having patches of hair growing in some spots and none elsewhere. With that in mind, I don’t know why holding onto my hair would have been the request I made, other than it being a very visible thing I could count on, and that others could see.

So, that’s the request I made. I really didn’t think much about it until I left the hospital. But I left the hospital with my hair! It was still closely cut and did thin out a bit, but it was there. We had a friend give me a “buzz” cut when I first arrived in the hospital thinking that I would lose it anyway and it would be better to lose a thin layer of hair than big chunks. I then thought: “Wow, God must have really said those words because I walked out of the hospital with my hair.” (see the picture with Jennifer, Brian, Zachary and I on one of my last days in the hospital)

That thought stayed with me until my re-lapse in 2011. During my re-lapse, I often went back to God and reminded him of what he told me in February 2010—“this will be so easy for me to do.” I wondered what the re-lapse was all about? Then, four years went by from 2011-2015 where I was completely free from Leukemia. Life was good. God’s promise was true. But, I then experienced a brain tumor in 2015 and Leukemia was found in that tumor. I remember thinking, “God, you said this would be so easy for you to do. Explain the re-lapse and now the brain tumor. This doesn’t feel that easy. In fact, it’s been pretty hard.”

I’ve carried this question with me for the last few years, especially since the brain tumor in 2015. I was certain I heard those words, that promise in 2010. I just knew it in my heart. But none of this has been easy. Not on me and not for our family. Only recently have I been given a different perspective on this. One morning I was reading in Luke 22, after Jesus and his disciples have the Last Supper, and Jesus knows that he will soon go to the cross and die. My attention was drawn to verses 41-44:

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22:41-44, NIV)

Jesus was in anguish as he faced the reality of the cross. And then I felt this revelation in that moment: It was easy for God to raise his son Jesus to life again, but the journey was not easy on Jesus. It was as if God was saying to me, “Terence, I said this would be so EASY FOR ME TO DO. I know it has been tough on you, but I have been with you—I’ve never forsaken you (Deuteronomy 31:6). Here you are alive and enjoying life to the fullest. You have a great job, working for a great company. You have walked your daughter down the aisle in her wedding, seen your oldest son graduate from the Air Force Academy and also get married. Have two beautiful grandchildren and one more on the way. Celebrated your 30^th wedding anniversary last year with your high school sweetheart. My promises are true.”

I still don’t know why I have had to go through a re-lapse and a brain tumor. But I can cling to this: God has been with me. As a young boy, he saved me from spiritual death and now almost certain physical death from Leukemia. He has prolonged my life when there was no hope for the future. What have you heard God promise to you? Know he is with you and will see it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

Amazed by His Love,

Terence

It’s the Hard that Makes it Great

Someone once told me, “At the beginning of the test faith is challenged.  At the end of the test faith is rewarded.  But in the middle of the test faith is strengthened.” I love the way The Message version puts it, “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought” (James 1:2-5)

What is it about going through challenges and coming out on the other side more mature and refined? Remember the 1992 movie A League of Their Own starring Geena Davis and Tom Hanks? There’s a scene where Dottie (Geena Davis) tells Jimmy (Tom Hanks) that she is going home to Oregon instead of playing with the team in the league’s world series. Jimmy tries to persuade her to stay, but Dottie responds, “It just got too hard.” Jimmy’s next line has stayed with me over the years:

“The hard is what makes it great.”

There is something to be said about embracing and overcoming a challenge. Whatever your personal feelings on Alabama Crimson Tide or their coach, Nick Saban, I think he got it exactly right when he said this after winning the 2018 National Championship against Georgia:

“If you can’t overcome hard, you’re never going to have any great victories in your life.”

My Story of Overcoming Hard

On this date eight years ago, I was diagnosed with leukemia. A few months later as I completed treatment, our family thought it was all behind us. But exactly a year after the original diagnosis, leukemia came roaring back. My only life-saving option was a bone marrow transplant, and my sister was found to be a perfect match for me.

On the evening before I started treatment that would take me an inch above death in order to accept my sister’s cells, I just wanted to run away. There was only a 50% survival rate for bone marrow transplant, not to mention so many things that could go wrong later in life after transplant. But I knew if I didn’t embrace transplant, my life here on earth would be over.

By embracing transplant and pressing through the difficult road ahead, several good things happened. A year after transplant, I walked my daughter down the aisle. Three years after transplant, I saw my oldest son graduate from the Air Force Academy and shake the Vice President’s hand as he crossed the stage. I got to see my youngest son grow into a young man. And finally, I have been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren. I would not have been able to experience these wonderful milestones if I had chosen not to embrace transplant.

Has it been hard? Absolutely yes. And my journey isn’t over. Three years ago, leukemia came back in the form of a solid brain tumor. It took everything I had, nearly two years, to recover from that 9-hour surgery. Over the last 8 years I have spent 160 nights in a hospital, received 40 red blood transfusions, 55 platelet transfusions, 12 radiation treatments, and countless rounds of chemotherapy. I am grateful to be alive. The hard is what makes life great; by overcoming the hard, I have experienced great victories.

I have faced the deep reality of going through something incredibly difficult…and getting through to the other side. It was awful to go through; it took me to the point of just inches away from death. But I can say on this side of it, I’ve learned so much about myself and so much about God’s amazing love in the storm. I’ve heard it said that you never know what you are made of until you go through something hard, embrace the challenge, and press through to the other side. It matures you, strengthens your perseverance, and allows you to develop a generous spirit to serve and comfort others who are going through a difficult challenge. You will discover both gratitude and a generous heart of serving others on the other side of the struggle. It’s the hard that makes the overcoming worth it in the end. 

Amazed by His Love,

Terence