I have only told this part of my story to a few people. I
was originally diagnosed with Leukemia in February 2010 and spent 30 days in a
hospital for treatment to eliminate these cancer cells from my blood. About two
weeks into that hospital stay, I remember walking down to the end of the
hallway where there was a window. Looking out that window, I started a
conversation with God. That conversation was about the heaviness I felt about
the disease I was fighting. I had lots of questions. How would my family deal
with this? Would this be the end? Would I see my children get married and have
grandchildren? Would I ever walk out of this hospital? I was seeking answers
from the God who saved me as a young boy. I paused for a long time, waiting for
an impression from God, for an answer. It wasn’t long before I heard these
words: “This will be so easy for me to do.” Those words were not audible, but I
could feel, deep in my soul, that God had delivered that answer to my very
direct question—was I going to live through this? I’m not sure how much time
went by before I decided to see if I could confirm God’s promise. I think it
was just a few seconds and I don’t even know where this thought came from, but
I wanted some assurance that God delivered those words to me, and not something
I thought up. So, I answered back: “If this is going to be so easy for you to
do, then let me walk out of this hospital with my hair—don’t let me lose my
hair.” As most of us probably know or have seen, many people lose their hair
from chemo treatment. Chemo is known to kill all rapidly dividing cells. Our
hair follicles are highly active cells that frequently divide to produce
growing hair. So, hair often becomes the unfortunate bystander that takes the
fall along with the cancer cells. Hair loss, for many, is one of the most
traumatic experiences of cancer. But, let’s be honest, it is likely more
traumatic for women. It’s not that big of a deal to see a bald man. In fact,
many men look great bald. And some men, for style, shave all their remaining
hair off instead of having patches of hair growing in some spots and none
elsewhere. With that in mind, I don’t know why holding onto my hair would have
been the request I made, other than it being a very visible thing I could count
on, and that others could see.
So, that’s the request I made. I really didn’t think much
about it until I left the hospital. But I left the hospital with my hair! It
was still closely cut and did thin out a bit, but it was there. We had a friend
give me a “buzz” cut when I first arrived in the hospital thinking that I would
lose it anyway and it would be better to lose a thin layer of hair than big
chunks. I then thought: “Wow, God must have really said those words because I
walked out of the hospital with my hair.” (see the picture with Jennifer, Brian, Zachary and I on one of my last days in
the hospital)
That thought stayed with me until my re-lapse in 2011.
During my re-lapse, I often went back to God and reminded him of what he told
me in February 2010—“this will be so easy for me to do.” I wondered what the
re-lapse was all about? Then, four years went by from 2011-2015 where I was
completely free from Leukemia. Life was good. God’s promise was true. But, I
then experienced a brain tumor in 2015 and Leukemia was found in that tumor. I
remember thinking, “God, you said this would be so easy for you to do. Explain
the re-lapse and now the brain tumor. This doesn’t feel that easy. In fact, it’s
been pretty hard.”
I’ve carried this question with me for the last few
years, especially since the brain tumor in 2015. I was certain I heard those
words, that promise in 2010. I just knew it in my heart. But none of this has
been easy. Not on me and not for our family. Only recently have I been given a
different perspective on this. One morning I was reading in Luke 22, after
Jesus and his disciples have the Last Supper, and Jesus knows that he will soon
go to the cross and die. My attention was drawn to verses 41-44:
He withdrew about a
stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing,
take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from
heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed
more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke
22:41-44, NIV)
Jesus was in anguish as he faced the reality of the
cross. And then I felt this revelation in that moment: It was easy for God to
raise his son Jesus to life again, but the journey was not easy on Jesus. It
was as if God was saying to me, “Terence, I said this would be so EASY FOR ME TO
DO. I know it has been tough on you, but I have been with you—I’ve never
forsaken you (Deuteronomy 31:6). Here you are alive and enjoying life to the
fullest. You have a great job, working for a great company. You have walked
your daughter down the aisle in her wedding, seen your oldest son graduate from
the Air Force Academy and also get married. Have two beautiful grandchildren
and one more on the way. Celebrated your 30th wedding anniversary last
year with your high school sweetheart. My promises are true.”
I still don’t know why I have had to go through a
re-lapse and a brain tumor. But I can cling to this: God has been with me. As a
young boy, he saved me from spiritual death and now almost certain physical
death from Leukemia. He has prolonged my life when there was no hope for the
future. What have you heard God promise to you? Know he is with you and will see
it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).
Amazed by His Love,
Terence
