This Will Be So Easy For Me To Do

I have only told this part of my story to a few people. I was originally diagnosed with Leukemia in February 2010 and spent 30 days in a hospital for treatment to eliminate these cancer cells from my blood. About two weeks into that hospital stay, I remember walking down to the end of the hallway where there was a window. Looking out that window, I started a conversation with God. That conversation was about the heaviness I felt about the disease I was fighting. I had lots of questions. How would my family deal with this? Would this be the end? Would I see my children get married and have grandchildren? Would I ever walk out of this hospital? I was seeking answers from the God who saved me as a young boy. I paused for a long time, waiting for an impression from God, for an answer. It wasn’t long before I heard these words: “This will be so easy for me to do.” Those words were not audible, but I could feel, deep in my soul, that God had delivered that answer to my very direct question—was I going to live through this? I’m not sure how much time went by before I decided to see if I could confirm God’s promise. I think it was just a few seconds and I don’t even know where this thought came from, but I wanted some assurance that God delivered those words to me, and not something I thought up. So, I answered back: “If this is going to be so easy for you to do, then let me walk out of this hospital with my hair—don’t let me lose my hair.” As most of us probably know or have seen, many people lose their hair from chemo treatment. Chemo is known to kill all rapidly dividing cells. Our hair follicles are highly active cells that frequently divide to produce growing hair. So, hair often becomes the unfortunate bystander that takes the fall along with the cancer cells. Hair loss, for many, is one of the most traumatic experiences of cancer. But, let’s be honest, it is likely more traumatic for women. It’s not that big of a deal to see a bald man. In fact, many men look great bald. And some men, for style, shave all their remaining hair off instead of having patches of hair growing in some spots and none elsewhere. With that in mind, I don’t know why holding onto my hair would have been the request I made, other than it being a very visible thing I could count on, and that others could see.

So, that’s the request I made. I really didn’t think much about it until I left the hospital. But I left the hospital with my hair! It was still closely cut and did thin out a bit, but it was there. We had a friend give me a “buzz” cut when I first arrived in the hospital thinking that I would lose it anyway and it would be better to lose a thin layer of hair than big chunks. I then thought: “Wow, God must have really said those words because I walked out of the hospital with my hair.” (see the picture with Jennifer, Brian, Zachary and I on one of my last days in the hospital)

That thought stayed with me until my re-lapse in 2011. During my re-lapse, I often went back to God and reminded him of what he told me in February 2010—“this will be so easy for me to do.” I wondered what the re-lapse was all about? Then, four years went by from 2011-2015 where I was completely free from Leukemia. Life was good. God’s promise was true. But, I then experienced a brain tumor in 2015 and Leukemia was found in that tumor. I remember thinking, “God, you said this would be so easy for you to do. Explain the re-lapse and now the brain tumor. This doesn’t feel that easy. In fact, it’s been pretty hard.”

I’ve carried this question with me for the last few years, especially since the brain tumor in 2015. I was certain I heard those words, that promise in 2010. I just knew it in my heart. But none of this has been easy. Not on me and not for our family. Only recently have I been given a different perspective on this. One morning I was reading in Luke 22, after Jesus and his disciples have the Last Supper, and Jesus knows that he will soon go to the cross and die. My attention was drawn to verses 41-44:

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22:41-44, NIV)

Jesus was in anguish as he faced the reality of the cross. And then I felt this revelation in that moment: It was easy for God to raise his son Jesus to life again, but the journey was not easy on Jesus. It was as if God was saying to me, “Terence, I said this would be so EASY FOR ME TO DO. I know it has been tough on you, but I have been with you—I’ve never forsaken you (Deuteronomy 31:6). Here you are alive and enjoying life to the fullest. You have a great job, working for a great company. You have walked your daughter down the aisle in her wedding, seen your oldest son graduate from the Air Force Academy and also get married. Have two beautiful grandchildren and one more on the way. Celebrated your 30^th wedding anniversary last year with your high school sweetheart. My promises are true.”

I still don’t know why I have had to go through a re-lapse and a brain tumor. But I can cling to this: God has been with me. As a young boy, he saved me from spiritual death and now almost certain physical death from Leukemia. He has prolonged my life when there was no hope for the future. What have you heard God promise to you? Know he is with you and will see it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

Amazed by His Love,

Terence