The Contrast Will Reward Your Hope (or the joy of Chili’s Chips & Salsa)

As we continue into the third week of orders to “stay home” and many more weeks of lockdown to come, it made me wonder…when was the last time I felt like this? Felt that I was locked down from enjoying even a simple meal at a favorite restaurant. Locked down from going almost anywhere. Locked down from being around anyone who was sick. And my mind flashed back to March 30, 2010 (exactly 10 years ago today). A week earlier (March 23), I was released from the hospital after a month-long stay. During that hospital stay, everything was taken away from me. I couldn’t leave that room. My food had to be specifically ordered from a limited menu and prepared, brought in with plastic wrap over the tray. Fruit (like oranges and apples) had to be carefully washed so there was no chance the skin of the fruit would introduce a disease. Visitors had to wear masks when they came in. Why? Because to wipe out Leukemia with a very intense chemo treatment, that chemo treatment also wiped out my red blood cells, platelets, AND white blood cells. Our white blood cells carry our immunities, and I had nothing—no immune system for about seven days after the last chemo treatment. The white blood cells are the last to recover when they have been wiped out, and it typically took seven days each time after chemo treatment.

It was during this time in the hospital, when everything was taken away, that I really began craving the things I couldn’t have. At the top of the list was Chili’s Chips & Salsa. I love that stuff. I don’t know what they put in their salsa, but it is addictive, at least for me. But at that time, I couldn’t have it—it was made with fresh ingredients that had the potential to be life threatening to my compromised immune system. After being released, I was cautioned about going anywhere, especially to a restaurant, and absolutely NO open buffets/salad bars. And so, I had this pent-up demand for Chili’s Chips & Salsa after those thirty days in the hospital. I could not get it out of my mind. I remember thinking… If I could just get a taste of that chips and salsa, I would feel SO much better—it would bring my appetite back. The focus on it was so out of control and my family even made light fun of my insatiable desire.

Back to March 30. A week after being released from the hospital and a test showing my white blood cells were nearly recovered (actually what is called your neutrophil count), I couldn’t help but tell Debbie…we have to go to Chili’s, TONIGHT!  And so, we did. Debbie made sure we were at an isolated table and told our server that my food needed to be extra hot to kill any germs. And we had plenty of hand sanitizer and wipes with us to make sure everything was clean. You can see the picture of that moment, and a table tent showing the Final Four was going on at that time (it was not shut down like now, just I was shut down). And there, that evening on March 30th, I enjoyed the most amazing experience with Chili’s Chips & Salsa! To this day it stands as the most stunning contrast between being locked down and then set free (smile). The warmth of my heart was noticeable and I could tell I was enjoying a meal like I never had before. I will never forget that experience. And it taught me this…Don’t give up hope. Let hope continue to build a nest in your heart during this time. Hope that there will be a new day to all of this. That, one day (likely several weeks away), the hope in your heart will sprout wings and will fly away, and you will experience the amazing contrast of what you are feeling now and the incredible joy of experiencing something as simple as…Chili’s Chips & Salsa. It will be amazing!

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Amazed by His Love,

Terence

Do the Next Thing

Some people have heard my story of battling Leukemia and these facts: 2010 initial treatment, 2011 re-lapse and bone marrow transplant, 2015 comes back a 3rd time in the form of a brain tumor. 160 total nights in a hospital, 55 blood transfusions, countless chemo treatments, and chemo in my spinal fluid that washed through my brain. Even as I write these facts, it seems a bit overwhelming. In fact, it’s hard to believe these facts are about ME. As friends, colleagues, and classmates process these facts, I’ve heard a few of them say something like…Man, you must be incredibly resilient.

When I hear people say this, I have to say that I don’t see myself as resilient—it’s inflated esteem for what I went through. I hated every treatment, medical procedure, and hitting bottom after chemo. I hated going back to the hospital every time it came back, knowing there were weeks and months of recovery ahead. To be honest, I wanted to run away…I wanted out!

All of this made me look at the definition of Resilience. Merriam-Webster defines it as: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

I guess that is an acceptable definition. Yes, I did recover from all that I faced, and I’m grateful to be alive. I would not say I “adjusted easily” though.

So, when I look back, the theme that seems to define my journey is this: Just Do the Next Thing. I got that theme from an early conversation with one of my doctors. I was trying to take in all that was ahead of me, what each test would involve, how long it would take me to recover, what would happen after that, and after that, etc. Then he said something like…Just take each day and each procedure as they come. Everyone’s situation is unique. You are not a stat. Your recovery will likely be very different than the next patient.

After that conversation, I then started focusing on just taking on the next thing. Not trying to take on what would happen over the next weeks and months. Just get through it. Just Do the Next Thing. And it has become the definition of “resilience” that works for me. I think back to my days at the Air Force Academy as a cadet. That first summer of basic cadet training. It could be overwhelming to think how any of us were going to make it through six weeks of the intense training and challenges ahead. And I remember a big build up to each obstacle course, like the Assault Course. The fear and anxiety could be crippling. I remember thinking this…I just need to get through this course. Thousands have come before me to do this and thousands will come after me.

This approach seems appropriate for the COVID-19 crisis we are experiencing now. It can be normal to try and take on what the next weeks and months will be like. What sacrifices will have to be made. The “pain” of extreme changes to our lifestyle during this season. Those thoughts can be overwhelming, and we might wonder how we will get to the other side of this season. In that context, I’m reminded of this verse from Philippians:

I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back (Philippians 3:14, The Message).

And I’m reminded of this encouragement from Jeremiah to be planted, to have deep roots in times of crisis:

But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the woman who sticks with God. They’re like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers—Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, Serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season (Jeremiah 17: 7-8, The Message).

You don’t have to be overwhelmed, to figure out what every future day, week, or month will look like. Just try this: Do the Next Thing and keep moving. You will get to the other side.

Amazed by His Love,

Terence